How to deal with resisting approaching?

For men struggling with chronic social apprehension

I have never had much faith in social freedom exercises or state-change practices, NLP, positive affirmations, or even boot camps with their intensive, focused pedagogy. With these technologies, I usually see guys burn out and return to their earlier paralysis.

In fact, this is why I left that world to teach something that cuts the problem out from the roots. At first, some of these exercises are refreshing for some men. It’s like jumping into cool water on a hot day. But after a while, the water starts to feel cold to the touch, and the mind loses the power of its newfound solutions.

The system I teach is a deep and healing approach that helps you find a real sense of home, in yourself and in a relationship. There is no reason to feel like a Frankenstein around any human, ever. When we are talking about “natural game” or “naturalness,” it is important to consider that this common ground is your true nature.

This is why you get to be natural, as you realize it, through practices that reveal your fears and your delusional sense of separation from the “other.” We work from 3 angles:

1. Relational attunement:

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Intimately recognizing the defining qualities (awareness, emotion, and physical sensation) of your being. As you recognize and orient to these in a fundamental way – beyond their agitated, fight or flight patterns – your reactivity around the other vanishes.


Because beyond the agitation is a deeply common human experience that transcends the fight or flight anxiety. And you know this, from having been drunk or high or temporarily in flow while sober. It’s still right here, but most men will need a bit of guidance to access it, steadily.

2.Steadiness (or stillness, and silence.)


There is a resounding and stable stillness that runs deeper than your thoughts and precedes your thoughts and fears. In fact, it is because this stillness is present that your anxiety and fear have something to get worked up about. “Where is this stillness? Where is my flow? Why won’t my anxiety go away?” You say these things because you know stillness, and you miss it. You miss yourself. This is the second part of our system, and it is explored and practiced through traditional Zen meditation.

3. Shadow Work

Shadow Work

The third inner work component is a system that is designed to help clear away all the garbage, trauma, repetitive and unconscious story-lines, reactive anxiety patterns and behaviors that run deep in your blood, usually from childhood, due to social trauma, over-bearing or under-bearing parents, cultural imprinting and much more.

These un-seen parts of ourselves persist in a kind of unconscious darkness and therefore can be called shadows. In this darkness – in order to protect ourselves – we actually had to abandon a part of ourselves, whether that part was our natural way of expressing ourselves, or feeling emotions (which very often leads to the sexual shame that we find later in life,) or simply accepting ourselves fully and deeply. In shadow work, what we are doing is reclaiming the disowned parts of ourselves.

Real Transformation

So rather than a regular “seduction school,” what we are doing is healing ourselves fundamentally, finding a rich, living, common ground of human experience that clears away the judgment problem (including self-judgment and the judgment from the “other,” and a stillness is itself the unmistakable and unshakable feeling of HOME.

With a regular and disciplined practice of approaching, combined with these three “inner” practices, as well as many exercises to find inner power, and conversation skills, the freedom and power of intention, as well as expression, sexuality, voice, and love, we are truly cleaning out the garbage and setting a solid foundation for mature, fearless, and consistently independent men.

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